The Life of a Dispatcher

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October 21, 2014 by The Perfectly Imperfect One

So, I posted the first line on my Facebook wall one day during work on a particularly odd day. I pretty much answered the phone and had all of these calls in the one day…the things the police don’t know we handle…we do not write up all the calls that come it…you’re welcome officers ūüėõ Below are the comments (edited to post here) added by my co-workers and myself throughout the day.

“911 does not need your zip code “we are not going to mail out an officer!!” LOL ‚Ä™#‚Äédispatchfunny‚Ĩ

  • Why do people always feel to give us their full mailing address?? Just need the street address, thanks!
     It would be much more helpful if they gave the color of their house. Zip codes are useless.
  • And maybe DOT as west or east instead of “up” or “down”
  • ¬†“All the officers know me, just tell them who I am, and they will know where I am at”!!!!! GGGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRR ARGH!!
  • ¬†“I’m on the corner of Main¬†& First¬†but if you go down 2 streets, turn left & follow the bend then take your first right, not the dead end street, the through street, it’s the second house on the left.”
  • ¬†Don’t you mean “second house on my side” ?
  • So I don’t really know their address or the name of the street or the name of the people but the officers go there all the time so they’ll know right where to go. And I don’t want to get involved so I’m not going to give you my address or name or number or anything
  • ¬†“How long until they will come/call?”
  • “This dog has been barking for 3 years straight!!! I want someone here RIGHT NOW!!!”
  • ¬†“I want to remain AMOMINUS”
  • ¬†Here let me go outside so you can hear the dog barking
  • ¬†(FLUSH)
  • Them: “They’re physically fighting!”
  • Us: “Okay, what’s their clothing description?”
    Them: “I don’t know, I can’t see them.”
    ¬†“I’ve been robbed!” … by knife point or gunpoint… “Oh, I don’t know, I wasn’t there, I was at work.”
    Nom Nom Nom
  • ¬†My car was stolen! I left it running in my driveway warming up!
  • ¬†^^ I despise both! ^^
  • I think I broke my penis.
  • “My purse, laptop, and iphone were stolen out of my car! I left them on my front seat! Yes, it was unlocked.”
  • ¬†^^ uhhhh ^^
  • I was at church and while in there someone broke into my car and stole my purse. I don’t deserve this I am a good church going person
  • ¬†“I need to talk to the officer about my case, I don’t have the case number, I can’t remember the address, or the officers name, and I was anonymous. Oh and can you just give him the phone because I don’t have one and he can’t call me back”
  • ^^ ugh ^^
  • ¬†I want to report some suspicious activity from about a week ago
  • ¬†“When I was a teenager my __________ looked at me weird. My therapist thinks I should report it for closure.”
  • Or there’s the famous “He doesn’t look like anyone from around here…”
  • ¬†Ma’am, is it because he’s black?
  • ¬†You know the officer with the mustache and like some hair. He is tall and i think he had tattoos
  • Oh I know exactly the officer you’re talking about . . . because only one police officer has a mustache, hair, and may have tattoos
  • He must be from the west side. They don’t have tattoos up east.
  • ¬†Is my brother in there?
  • You know that officer Smith … which one?….. oh there is more than one. ….. no ma’am there is just the sheriff and officer Smith that work here this is 1942
  • I didn’t call 911 click
  • Someone just left this vehicle here…run the plate….sir it belongs in the area, no it isn’t stolen….don’t you wish you could tell them it is registered next door! Why the hell haven’t they noticed their neighbor driving it around!
  • And the best one this week…their grapes are falling into my yard!
  • ¬†“My bishop told me I should call you…”
  • ¬†You have a collect call from the adult detention center
  • ¬†The snow plow driver plowed the snow in front of my house so now I cannot get out of my driveway
  • ¬†I locked my keys in my car, can you help? NO??? I pay your salary!
  • ¬†Why are you asking me all these questions? Just get the cops here now!
  • ¬†Since when can u not park on the street in the winter? I have never heard that
  • ¬†Why are the cops at my neighbors house? I have a right to know!
  • ¬†There’s a car parked on the street and the pooooooooooooooooor children have to walk around it. What about the chilllllllllllllllllllllllldreeeeeeeeeeen???
  • There is a cat in a tree!
  • It’s a pit bull, how big is it? About three pounds! Smh!
  • It’s always a pit bull
  • Yes I’d like to talk to the Sheriff
  • You speak Spanish?
  • ¬†No, that’s why I answered in English and did not say I also speak Spanish!!
  • I did not answer, Police Department, this is Miles, para espanol oprima dos
  • Ain’t nobody oprima’ing your dos! Keep your dos to yourself!
  • OK ma’am how old did he look. …. i don’t know? …….Ok was he older or younger? I don’t know? Ok if you had to guess was it like a 5yo or Like old man? …..I don’t know!
  • Ma’am, how do you know they’re dealing drugs?
  • Was he white, black, Hispanic….yes… thin medium or heavy build…yes… that was not a yes or no question…
  • ¬†He went that way!
  • ¬†I need to report a crime…I borrowed money to my boyfriend and he ain’t paid me back. I was going to just let it go but he cheated on me so…
  • OK what direction he ran right. That’s not a direction did he go north east west south? ….He went right then left ….ughhhh .. I don’t know i don’t know my directions
  • Back in 1984 . . . so I thought I should report it
  • What direction did he go? North on 47th S
  • 47th s only goes east or west oh it does ok it was 54th s then
  • ¬†My friend posted this on Facebook. No I don’t know their address. No I don’t know their birthday. He lives in your state.
    There’s a Muslim on my street and he doesn’t belong here. A) Not all people from the Middle East are Muslim, which is a religion. B) That man lives one street over and is a doctor at the U of U Hospital
  • ¬†^This happened for real
  • This is your caller at 54th and Main…yes how can help you…yes last year when I was living in new York some guy called me asked me for money, I just need to report that…what address did this happen at? In new York, I just told you that…so what is going on at 54th and Main? That’s where I’m at right now…
  • ¬†This is your robbery in progress. What’s going on? Two guys just tried to pay with a fake $100 bill then left when I confronted them. So they’re not there and they never threatened you? No. *face palm*
  • ¬†Oh hi, I’m outside
  • ¬†My five year old won’t get out of bed.
  • “There’s someone in my house!” Does anyone have keys to the house? “Yeah, my husband, but he’s at work!….. WAIT! It’s my husband. He’s the one I’m hearing.”
  • ¬†I just had Sheriff…… Whine-der come by my house? I have a card…
  • Oh hi Gina can you help me?
  • ¬†Trixy you have a call on park!
  • Yeah, Becky? (long pause….)
  • No I cannot because that’s not my name!
  • ¬†(angry now because we wouldn’t unlock his locked car)…. “What was your name again?” Tiffany. “What? you said your name was Becky!” No, I didn’t, you did…..
  • ¬†Can you give me officer smiths phone number? He’s my best friend and I need to talk to him.
  • ¬†Don’t send that black officer to my door. (WHAT???)
  • ¬†… “Not that I’m prejudiced or anything….” ^^^ Uhhhhh…
  • Don’t send the guy who was just here…I’m sorry ma’am but he is the only officer available…but he told me this was not a police matter…
  • This is wolfcub
  • “My car was stolen!!!!!” Your vehicle was towed. “They towed my car illegally! I want to report my car stolen!”
  • There’s a squirrel in my attic…animal control doesn’t respond on that, you’ll need to call a pest control company…Well I’m poor…I’m sorry but we don’t respond on squirrels…Well what am I supposed to do then…You will need to call a pest control company…Well aren’t you just a helpful little bitch…click
  • ¬†^^ yeah,,, you kind of are….^^ hehe
  • ¬†No, I’m a helpful BIG bitch. And you’re not poor, you’re cheap
  • ¬†My car was stolen. My daughter borrowed it an hour ago and was supposed to be back ten minutes ago…
  • ¬†Police depart..¬†*click*
  • Miles, those are the best calls!!
  • Yup. You do nothing, and you get to wait until next rotation…unless it’s busy, then 2 people are on ready and neither of them are call takers
  • Police Department…¬†I’m gonna sue you bastards, ok have a nice day
  • ¬†The one I got the other day just sang, fuck you assholes, in a very high pitched tune.
  • My car was stolen. I sold it to my friend but now she won’t give it back saying I owe her money.
  • How did your friend get your car?
    Well, I left it with her when I went to jail.
    So you can’t report it stolen since u took your car to her. Call the civil division. Buh bye
    ¬†This is wolf cub, can I tell you a joke? Do you need police assistance? No. Then I’ll have to let you go. You’re rude.
  • ¬†I sold my car to this guy a few months ago and he stopped making payments.
  • ¬†I love knowing we have guaranteed job security. And to think these people are breeding!!!
  • ¬†If anything, we’re going to be hiring more people soon. Because dumb people have lots of dumb kids
  • And those kids aren’t going to school so we have to go babysit them.
  • It’s a never ending cycle. YAY!!
  • Lol, you guys are killing me. Your job takes more patience than I will ever have. Is wolf cub a repeat prank caller or am I missing something?
  • ¬†Repeat caller
  • ¬†You don’t have to be crazy to work here, we’ll train you…our trainers; the callers!
  • ¬†All you cops are just lazy assholes that eat doughnuts and drink coffee…I’m not a police officer…Well fuck you then, fuck all of you…click
  • No fuck you! clicks first
  • ¬†****fudge*****
  • P.s. This is the best feed ever someone should make this into a book lol
  • ¬†No¬†that was me! ( singing fuck u assholes!)
  • ¬†…is there drugs or alcohol involved? “Yes, okay. Yes I have been dr-drinking!” “But, he has been drinking more”!
  • ¬†I’m notgonnalietoya ossifer, i’ve had like, 4 beersss, but this mutherfucker is gaaaaawwwn
  • ¬†Hi, this is Wolfcub, is Miles there?
  • Joke’s on you, he doesn’t know me
  • ¬†Okay, Miles isn’t working? What about Jessica?
  • Yeah, transfer Wolf Cub to the cell phone of Jessica
  • ¬†This is Wolfcub again, Jessica didn’t answer, can I tell you a joke?
  • Sure hang on just one sec…(eternal hold, woops)
  • Semper-fi! ooooh-rah!!!!!
  • ¬†^ What she said
  • Also now we must say the big two things in dispatch. 1 )I’m not sure who to call about this. 2) This isn’t an emergency
  • ¬†Hi, um, I don’t have money for a cab, can an officer take me home instead?
  • ¬†Ok that one is gold
  • What day is it?
  • ¬†I had one a long time ago…. “Hi, this isn’t an emergency, but the last time an officer came to my house I didn’t get his name. Can you look it up?” Sure, what’s the address? “…. because he was cute and I didn’t get his phone number, will you send him back?”
  • ¬†Sometimes, it’s better if you don’t tell me the real reason behind some things
  • ¬†So, what’s the problem? “Last year, she did this. Then this…” Okay, okay, but what happened today? “You have to know the history to understand!” No, I really don’t. Tell the officer the history, just tell me what happened today.
  • ¬†“Hi, I tracked my stolen iPhone to this address & I need an officer to make them give it back.”
  • ¬†My personal favorite..
  • “I just want to make a complaint but I don’t want to talk to an officer!” …. Well complaining to me doesn’t do anything …. “Then why did I even bother calling the police?” *click*
     I pay your salary
  • ¬†‚ÜĎ So are you who I speak to about a raise
  • And technically I pay taxes too which means I also pay my salary.. so this ticket is on me √ú
    And that’s very nice of you to pay my salary, but every one of your neighbors do too, and they hate you so you’ve paid me to send people you pay to arrest you. Thank you so much
    **********To my dispatch family, thank you thank you thank you! It was an odd afternoon that day and you all adding all these things really did make my day, and evening. I love you all!********************

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